The day I found out I was going to have child number six, I cried. I wish I could say they were happy tears, but they were not. If someone wanted to give me a baby (or 10) I'd happily take it, but after 11 plus years of being either pregnant or nursing, selfishly, I was done sharing my body. I'm one of the unlucky women who is sick the majority of the pregnancy. And doesn't it make sense that if barfing is part of the daily routine then gaining lots of extra pounds shouldn't be? It didn't work that way for me. Monthly I had to endure the well-meaning doctor advice "You need to watch your weight." "You're not as young as you were before, it won't be as easy to lose." My interpretation: "You are fat and old." That does wonders for a emotional gal's already fragile self image.
The thought of telling family and friends that we were once again expecting was nearly as bad as my first bout of morning sickness. Call it hormones but I wasn't ready to hear the normal "Were you planning on another?" "How many more are you going to have?" and my favorite "Do you know how you get that way?" No, please tell me how one becomes with child. I can laugh at these lines now, but in the midst of newly accepting the news myself, I just wanted to hear, "Awesome! A baby! Congratulations!"
The worst was the guilt I felt being so blessed with children while having several friends struggle with infertility. I was ashamed of my selfishness in not wanting to be pregnant while they would give anything to be. False guilt, maybe, but I dreaded telling those friends most of all.
After I jumped off the all-about-me train, I realized what a blessing God had again chosen for me. I embraced the pregnancy (sickness, 50 extra pounds and all) and couldn't wait to meet my precious bundle.
My babies are obstinate from the very beginning with most being two weeks over due. Which, really is okay, because I'm never ready anyway. (Imagine that, me not ready!) After the most amazing labor and delivery EVER
my heart was stolen once more.
Faith Elizabeth was every bit worth the unpleasant pregnancy. I'm so glad God knows better than I do.
She was, by far, my hardest baby. If ever I wanted a baby to communicate their needs, it was her. She made me doubt my skills as a mother, not to mention my sanity (which I still question at times). It was hard to believe someone so little could be the commander of the house. She was....and often still is.
She was strong-willed from the start. I love a girl who knows what she wants and is determined to get it, but being borderline uncompromising makes for some difficult mommy moments.
Secretly, I admire her spunk. I know determination can be a wonderful characteristic when used for God's glory. I have no doubt that He has extraordinary plans for this girl. He has already used her to change and shape me.
I have learned there is a difference in the things that I think I need and the things I truly do need. Having Faith, I have been shown how to embrace and look forward to the unexpected. My way may be the easy one with road signs that tell me the exact route with the fewest curves and detours. But God's path is full of beauty, beauty that I sometimes miss when I'm unfocused and traveling alone.
God hasn't finished revealing to me where I need to grow and mature. I am shown daily how weak and stubborn I can be. (Since being weak and stubborn are opposites, shouldn't they cancel each other out?) I am so thankful that He used a beautiful gift of a surprise pregnancy to open my eyes to what true blessings are.
Happy 2nd Birthday to my perfect little Surprise!!
**These pictures were all taken by my amazingly talented sister-in-law,
Apryl. I see another photo shoot in the near future, sis. :)
