I'm sorry, Mom!

It's not a secret in my family that I was the "difficult" child. I was known to push the parental limits. After all, they were stupid limits....I knew what was best for me, I was my own person. Didn't my parents know I was a good kid? They didn't have to be so strict and overprotective. And if that wasn't bad enough, they never let me express myself verbally. Come on, I had something to say. Don't you want to know what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling?!

Then my mom went and did the unthinkable, she prayed that I would have kids just like me.

My old words are starting to be uttered by own children.....ugh! The words that came out of MY mouth today: "I do not have to give you a reason. The answer is no. Not another word." It may have possibly sounded more like this , "I DO NOT HAVE TO GIVE YOU A REASON....." You get the point.

Looking through old pictures I found this note written in teenage bubbly letters from when I was a sweet and sassy 16 year old. I dedicate this to you, Mom.

When I'm a parent:

1)I'm going to let my teenager go most places he/she wants to unless I have a very good excuse why not! Not because "I said so" or "You've already been somewhere this week"
2)I'll let my kid talk on the phone as long as he/she wants. Unless I need to use it or am expecting a call.
3)I'll let my children go tee-peeing. What's wrong w/ it?!!
4)My children will be allowed to attend dances when they are in Jr High.
5)I'll let my kids go on dates when they are 15!
6)I won't read any of their notes unless they say I can.
7)I'll let them have more privileges than I ever had!
8)I won't embarrass them by bringing up the past.
9)I'll let them have their own phone!!
10)They can have a tv in their room.
11)I will not make them clean the house and do dishes EVERYDAY!!
12)I will be understanding and let them tell me their point of view.

Good thing I wrote that down so I could let my smart teenage self raise my teens. Ha! I feel I'm doing just fine raising teenagers and enjoying them very much even on the days we don't see eye to eye and I have to get (gulp) strict. And I better get in a groove and learn and grow because I will have teenagers for 21 years!!

kids of the 90's dressing up for 80's night at youth group

There are days when I think of my mom and realize what head/heart aches I caused. I have never apologized for my....uh,...teenage attitude. Honestly, until recently I have still been siding with my 16 yr old self, blind to how my parents saw me. 

My eyes are open. If there is one thing I want my children to know about my parenting it is that I do/did my very best. It may not have always been what they would have wanted or even what is right. But it is always, always out of love! 

So, Mom, this is your apology, in writing, no less! I'm sorry. Sorry for not being able to hold my tongue (something I'm still working on, dang it!), sorry for causing you to question where you went wrong because of your 2nd child, sorry for the disobedience, sorry for sneaking out.....ok....who needs a detailed list? :) I am a better mom because of who you were and who you are!  I love you! 

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu

I have a way of holding onto things too tight sometimes. A sentimentalist, I say. Some may call it other names... I have a harder time than most saying good bye. I may be the only one that will devour a good book quickly until the last couple chapters and then read slowly because I'm not ready for it to be over or to say bye to the characters. Anyone? Ok, I realize I'm a little weird but I'm secure in my quirkiness.

This year I told myself I will let summer leave gracefully. I will not cry and beg her to stay. I will be ready for autumn and welcome her with a leaf wreath on the door and pumpkins on the porch instead of the usual dirty looks and attitude.

To me the yearly Apple Festival Parade is a good bye summer, hello fall celebration.

I really do love my summer. She has a way of bringing out the fun in me. But there are some things about autumn that I like just as much and somethings that I may like even more (gasp!).

• harvesty menus like pork roast with carrots, potatoes, onions and cabbage
• the scent of burning leaves and earthy nights
• colors that take my breath away
• air that feels so perfect, you don't even know it's there

• jeans and sweatshirts
• sleeping snuggled in blankets with the windows open
• watching the kids catch the leaves falling from the trees
• campfires at night

• haunting music from the loudly ringing wind chimes
• football...ok, not really, but I do like watching a good game once in a while
• flannel sheets
• candy corn, M&Ms, and honey roasted peanuts-- the melody of autumn love

Autumn, we started off very rocky this year. Gusty winds, 48 degrees and hail? You don't have to be so abrupt with your presence. I really have always liked you and not just for your beauty. Please be a little less aggressive in your demeanor and we can have a wonderful 3 months together.

 And, summer, with mixed emotions I bid you farewell. Thanks for the daily hugs of warmth and kisses of fun. You bring sunshine in my life and joy to my days. I promise to think of you often.

The Blessing of Cancer

I guess after two years I'm ready to talk about my journey to restored health. I'm realizing I had been prideful about shrugging off health related questions and saying I'm perfectly fine. Pity and sympathy make me feel weak and it's hard for me to show my vulnerability sometimes. I also don't want to be viewed as a complainer or seem like I dwell on the hardships. Shame on me for not letting people see my weaknesses so they can see what God has done and be glorified.

I've always taken pride in filling out family history charts. Heart disease, diabetes, cancer, stroke, hypertension...big fat check mark in the NO box to all of the above...(gloat much, jamie?) I have felt blessed growing up with healthy parents, grandparents, and even great grandparents.

The summer of 2010 I had a sore throat and as I rubbed my neck, I felt a lump. I figured it had something to do with my throat so I ignored it, outwardly. Inwardly, I had a feeling that I should probably get it checked out. After a couple weeks and a few friendly nudges I obeyed my inner voice went to the doctor. I was sent to have a biopsy to rule out thyroid cancer.

Dr. Good News was confident it was benign. He assured me there was only a 5% chance of it being cancer. So, I was a bit surprised when the diagnosis came back as Papillary Carcinoma, a type of Thyroid Cancer. I was by myself when I got the report. I laughed out loud when Dr. Not So Good News once again gave me statistics: 95% survival rate. "I was already the 5%....to have cancer." He stuttered his way around my remark. (I wonder if he is still giving the statistics? Surely, I'm not the only one who thought it of that.)

The feeling I had was not fear. I can only say it was a peace that passes understanding from the Peace-giver Himself.  I did, however, have the feeling of guilt. I was sad to have to put my husband and children through a trial that was because of me....even if it was out of my control.

After hours of research I felt I knew all about my condition. It showed that the cancer I had was one of the most treatable kind and the prognosis was great. Unlike other cancers, the treatment was surgery then radioactive iodine to kill any remaining thyroid tissue to help prevent the chance of occurrence.

It felt like a whirlwind with the doctors wanting to get the cancer out of my body as soon as possible. One day I'm healthy as a horse and the next day I'm scheduling surgery that will leave me with out my thyroid.

The biggest stress factor was money. Darn that evil necessity. When Court switched jobs a few years ago he was no longer offered health insurance. We played the dangerous game of Coverage Russian Roulette and lost. But God is bigger than that.

Living in a small community people hear of difficulties and rush to comfort and support. We were overwhelmed with the outpouring of love. I still get choked up and teary eyed when I think of the love I was shown. Amazing churches held fundraisers for me and gifts poured in from family and friends and friends of friends. I was so very humbled. More money came in than the cost of doctors and hospital bills (which was a big number!) We felt honored to pass on the blessing to others in need.

I had a few bad side effects from the surgery. The worst was losing my voice for 3+ months. (Although my kids may not agree it being such a bad thing.) I could talk a little more than a whisper. Not being able to sing Christmas songs at Christmas time was torturous. Two months after surgery my doctor told me he was sorry but my voice sounded to be such a severe loss that I would most likely never fully get it back. Devastated at the thought of never singing again, I cried the entire drive home, something I didn't even do when I was diagnosed with cancer. At my next appointment I was thrilled to show Dr. Wrong News he had hope to share with other patients like me. I can no longer sing at the octave I once could and if I'm talking for a long time I will start to get hoarse, but praise God I have my voice back!

love Corbin's photobombing

It took almost a year after my treatment to feel normal again. Some days I feel the tired or jittery feeling and wonder if my meds need readjusted. Or maybe I'm just tired from the busyness of raising six kids. I will keep having blood work every 3 months until I'm where my doc wants me to be. I'm pretty confident I am there. Even though I have to be cancer free for 5 years to be considered completely cured and there are possible challenges down the road, I am hopeful and optimistic.

I know that going through challenges makes us stronger. My experience with cancer hardly seems like a challenge with all the good that I have seen because of it. I am more appreciative of life. I love my family and friends and tell them often. I know that all things work together for good to those called according to His purpose. I would like to say that even if the outcome wasn't good and it was a tougher battle I would feel the same.

Cancer is ugly. Some types are horrible and aggressive and leave our loved ones fighting for life. It's heartbreaking to watch someone deteriorate from this awful disease.  The cancer I had has shown me how strong I can be and how much I am loved. I am grateful. To God be the glory!

Buried Treasure

I watched the excitement and wonder of my little ones as they pushed their shovels into the earth digging for the unknown. "Mom, we're gonna find gold and treasures and iron!" says my little man. I hesitate to tell them that there is none to be found in our old garden plot. And as they spot something shiny with a tinge of red, they wouldn't for one minute believe that there wasn't indeed a buried treasure.

I look at the prize through my kids eyes and see a new toy with endless possibilities and not a rusty old tool that somehow got stuck in the dirt years ago. It became the coveted digger and the drive to keep on pursuing their goal.

After hours of laboring (or 45 minutes in adult time) frustration started to set in. Digging and filtering through the soil not finding another hint of reward was starting to make for bickering mini miners. Knowing that their father wouldn't be happy with the foot deep hole already dug I couldn't allow them to try their search in a different location.

They made the unspoken agreement that the newly dug hole was their biggest gain. It could be a place for games to be played and fun to be had. And of course, the dug out dirt made for perfect "worm churches and ant caves".

Am I still digging for treasure in an empty hole? Has God mercifully kept away opportunities and earthly wealth so I can stay focused on Him? I need to put down my shovel and look at my fortune given by the true Giver.

  "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" Matthew 6:21

School's Out For the Summer

I guess it was wishful thinking when I said I would update my blog once a week. I'm doing well if I can crank some words out once or twice a month. My writing mind has joined the school kids on summer vacation. We're all having a busy but fun break...with little brain work required!


I am a chronological girl. It's the way my mind works. The only way I can recall dates of events is if I study the timeline in my head. It's hard for me to skip over several summer happenings and fast forward to date....so I won't.  

Sit back, turn up your Pandora Radio (Country Love Songs is a great channel or if you're a country music hater just Love Songs is also a favorite or if you're a love song hater.....then we should really discuss our friendship), and enjoy the "vacation" slide show. :)

We have made Missoula Children's Theater a part of our summer for the last 8 years. It's awesome to watch a musical come together in one week, from try-outs to performances. It's a week of commitment and hard work, but always a great show. This will most likely be Dakota's last year.

She has found a new love.

She spent a week being a junior camp counselor at Camp Shipshewana. Her plan for next summer is to be there for more than two weeks, like in as many weeks as she can.

There was a pretty special camper there on her first week on staff.

It was easier leaving Emmaly for her first time at church camp knowing she was just down the hall from her big sister. They both had a wonderful time and were a little sad to leave.

I can easily sympathize. I remember the heartache of saying good bye to fun times and new friends knowing we wouldn't see each other until the next year. But in my days there wasn't Facebook and texting to stay in touch. We had to do the time consuming task of picking up a pencil and writing letters without getting an instant reply. (Sorry all you camp friends who I promised letters to that I never sent.) 

I let Kodi and Emma come home and sleep the day and sadness away. It's amazing what a few good hours of sleep can do. Then we were off to see fireworks.

I like seeing my little ones' excitement as much as I enjoy watching the sky light up. My favorite fireworks are the ones that shoot up and crackle coming down looking like a weeping willow. I also love the big BOOM that echoes across the lake making my heart pound a little faster.

On the Fourth we were a family divided. Since the pigs need rinsed and cooled off every couple hours in super hot weather, show pig farmers can't be too far from home.  So after lunch with friends, some of us decided to head to the lake. 

We had a wonderful, relaxing time! Hopefully sometime before the weather cools down all eight of us can spend a day together at the beach. (Are you with us, Girst family?) Until then, I'm satisfied with family suppers. With our busy schedules even that is a luxury during the summer.

Resting is also a luxury for my over worked farm boy.

Then came the fair. What a week! I'll save those pictures and stories for the another post. You're welcome.

The best part of summer for me is spending time with family, especially family across the miles. Again we couldn't coordinate dates to have the whole McCoy clan here at the same time. Jody and her kids were here  for two short days then a week later Mom and Dad came up from the Ozarks bringing my grandma with them. I stupidly have no pictures of Jody's visit! I even called her and begged for some of hers. She graciously shared but for some reason I can't. I'll blame it on the computer but it is probably my ignorance that makes her pictures held hostage in my downloads. 

Now is the time to turn your Pandora station to Bluegrass or Gospel if you want the true feeling of hanging with the McCoy's.

Do you see the slight resemblance between Dad and his mom? I love that she still calls him "Ralphie".

My little bros (who refuse to read my blog.....please tell them what they are missing! :) They would have happily read my diary way back when.....not much different....ok...maybe a wee bit different)

I may be a little biased but aren't these girls BEAUTIFUL?!

These girls too!

My grandmas

These cute cousins are a couple months apart in age. I'm glad Ralph has forgiven Dakota for all the biting and pinching she did to him when they were little.

Grandpa with his two girls

Do you know of any other parties where goat milking is involved?

My sweet nephew gives amazing shoulder massages.

Don't you wish this had audio? :) 

The reel has come to its end. Chin up, there will be at least this many pictures in the next blog. 

My big kids just arrived home from a week away at a youth conference. I can't wait to hear their stories and watch them put into practice what they've learned! 

I love my family! God is good!