Remembering

Fifteen years....it seems like a life time ago and like just yesterday. I was sitting at the kitchen table at my parents house when a police car pulled in the drive. It was 8:00 pm. My life would never be the same again. She was gone; my friend, one of the best I ever had. And with her went her daughter, my sweet niece, Mikayla Jo, only two years old. A horrific car accident had ended their time on earth. Erica wasn't just my childhood friend, she was my brother's wife. She left behind my brother and their 10 month old son. And me. I felt so lost, so alone. We were sisters, not just by law but by heart. How could God call them home when I wasn't ready for them to go?? Didn't He know I needed them here? How could He take a mother from her nursing baby and a wife from her adoring husband? Their life together had only just begun. And precious Mikayla with her long dark hair and blue/gray eyes, didn't God realize her daddy needed her here more than her Father needed her in Heaven? My kids would never know their cousin or their aunt. But worse, my nephew wouldn't know his mommy or his sister. He wouldn't remember his mom's loving embrace or the sound of her beautiful voice. He would never get to play make believe with his sister or pester her the way all little brothers do. My brother wouldn't get to teach his daughter how to ride a bike or walk her down the aisle. How did God think OUR family could handle such a loss?? I struggled with these questions for months; long, dark months. I knew that God was faithful. I still didn't understand. I watched as my brother was told that his life had been torn apart. My heart was completely broken. He was so strong. I clung to him and he said, "Jamie, God has a plan." His world had just crumbled around him and he didn't waiver in his faith. As hard as it was to accept the new path, God did have a plan. I mourned for years the loss of my sister. I wished for time to speed up so the hurt would go away and longed for time to stand still so I could hear her laughter and see her face. I didn't want to forget one single memory. The depression I fell into wasn't healthy. It may not have even been outwardly noticeable. But it was there, an unwelcome companion. It was hard to be happy. I felt I was betraying Erica by having fun and getting on with life. Sometime during my mourning I was hit with the realization that I was mourning like I had no hope. And I DID have hope. Erica was saved. She loved Jesus and gave her life to him. I have hope because of God's promises.  ".....do not grieve like the rest of mankind who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 "For it is my Father's will that whoever looks to the Son and believes in him will have eternal life." John 6:40 Of course John 3:16. God's wonderful promises and amazing hope! I will see Erica again! And Mikayla and Lessli (another dear friend gone from a car accident) and my baby whom I never got a chance to hold and all my other loved ones who have passed from this world and have proclaimed Jesus as Lord. What about you? Do you know the Lord? Can you rest in the assurance of eternal life?
     There is nothing more difficult than losing a loved one but life does go on. My brother met and married a wonderful, Christian women who is so good for him and loves my nephew like he is her own. He is her own. Erica wouldn't want it any other way. She would have wanted her son to love and be loved by a new mommy and not be torn by loyalty to her, his birth mom. He has grown into an amazing young man, quite handsome too, I must say. Sometimes I am blown away by how much his looks and mannerisms remind me of Erica. I feel so blessed to be able to watch him grow and see a part of Erica that still lives on.
     Every year as the leaves start to change their colors and the autumn wind forces me to trade in my short sleeves for sweatshirts I am brought back to October 4, 1996. I let the tears come as I remember our last minutes together, not knowing that when I hugged her goodbye it meant I'll see you in Heaven. Had I known, our embrace would have lasted longer. I would have told her all that she meant to me. Although I'm sure she knew. Afterall, we grew up together. She knew all my secrets (and loved me anyway). I don't wallow in the sorrow for long. I thank God for allowing Erica and Mikayla to be a part of my life and for sparing my sweet nephew's life as he was also in the accident that claimed his mommy and big sister. I thank God for all the blessings He has bestowed on my family. Mostly, I thank Him for His promises.